Why Relationships Matter

So much more is going on than meets the eye

Everybody knows we need relationships, that we’re lonely without them, that we’re hardwired for connectivity with other human beings and so forth. But from a spiritual perspective, something even more than that is going on.

A Course in Miracles says relationships are assignments made by an intentional intelligence, call it Holy Spirit or Nature or whatever terms you use, in which people are brought together because they represent mutual soul growth opportunity. Just as cells of the body are guided to work collaboratively, so are we. The difference between us and the cells of the body, however, is that we have free will. We’re destined to meet someone perhaps, but what we then do with the relationship is completely up to us.

Everyone we meet, from the most casual encounter to the deepest love, represents an opportunity for soul growth. What is that? It means the actualization of our divine potential while we are embodied in physical form. It means the full realization of who we are capable of being, at a time in the world when it is critically important that we become better - wiser, stronger, more loving - than we have ever been. It is critically important, in order for humanity to evolve, that we make a shift from an ego-centered to a heart-centered organization of human civilization. Our individual relationships are part of a highly individualized curriculum of sorts, tailored to give each of us a chance to grow more quickly into a higher state of being.

That does not mean, of course, that relationships are always easy. We’re all aware that they are not. Relationships do not exist to respect our comfort zones, but in many ways to bust them. A relationship invites us, challenges us, demands that we show up better than we showed up for the last one. Otherwise we’re at risk of repeating the same painful dramas we experienced in the past. Relationships are a kind of nudge from the universe. Where you did it right last time, try to do it even better this time. And where you did it wrong, here’s your chance to get it right.

Klaus Vedfelt

Getting it right in relationship means more than anything else getting over yourself. It means using the encounter not to bolster your ego but as an opportunity to diminish it. Contrary to a lot of popular thinking, that means inhabiting a space that’s beyond “this is all about me.”

It means placing ourselves in service to a higher good, something much more important than the gratification of our own needs as we define them. “Namaste consciousness” means saluting in others a capacity for things we wish to actualize in ourselves. It means consciously inhabiting a space that makes it more probable that others will shine because we are willing to see them shine.

None of this is easy, given that not everyone behaves the way we want them to behave every second of the day. But those who don’t, the ones with whom we have the most difficult relationship, are in ways our most important assignments. Think of the people in your life - those you like and love but also those who annoy you or even worse - and ask yourself honestly, what lesson is there to learn here? For me, that usually means being not so self-righteous, not so judgmental, not so negative, not so critical, not so unkind, not so unforgiving - things like that. You don’t call yourself out like this because you want to be “good;” you do it because the energy you put out to others will come back at you every time. You simply understand the law. It’s the way consciousness and the universe interact (are one, actually; but that’s a different post). Where there is love, miracles flow. And where love is denied, miracles are deflected. The universe speaks with one loud voice: “Hey, it’s up to you.”

This is a different way of looking at relationships, given that the ego’s tendency and our cultural messaging are absolutely clear that other people exist to gratify our needs. How many therapists ask, “Does this relationship give you everything you need?” rather than, “In this relationship, are you being the best that you can be?” What an odd world we live in now, that of those two questions the latter is most likely to be considered dysfunctional. Relationships are used to serve the spirit, or the ego. Every interaction is used for the purposes of love or for the purposes of fear. We make the decision which it will be, whether we make the decision consciously or unconsciously. Life will always reflect back to us what we choose.

So every relationship - and all situations are relationships - provide us with the lessons we need to learn in order to become the people we are capable of being. Don’t argue with the idea, just try it out. Take a minute to actually think about the people in your life. Imagine how much better a person you might be if you ask yourself “What am I am not giving?” more often than “What am I not getting?” The ego mind is always focused on how other people are wrong and how other people could do better, but there’s a reason for that: to sabotage whatever happiness we might have. The voice of self-hate is very sly, often posing as self-love.

Where could we show up more? Be kinder? More generous? More patient? More understanding? More respectful? More polite? More open to what other people are going through, and not so obsessed with only what we’re going through? It’s a radical thought, I realize. But love is radical. It goes to the heart of things, which is why it works miracles every time.

Today’s meditation:

As you go through your day today, practice doing this: whenever you see someone, look at them and silently say to yourself “The love in me salutes the love in you.” Do that for even two minutes on any given day and your mood will decidedly lift. Our mind was created to be used as an instrument of love, and only when we are using it for the purpose for which it was created can we be happy.

Today’s prayer:

Dear God,

May Your Spirit pour forth upon the people of Afghanistan

and those who are there with them in this desperate hour.

May the horror of this moment

be replaced by miracles

of healing, and hope,

and comfort to those who suffer.

In this moment of pain,

please bring forth peace.

Amen